Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
