It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I deserve this hangover.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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