So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
