people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
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