this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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