She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
