I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
