Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
