upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
