Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Is the Glover Park Chipotle past the strip club?
Why is that your only point of reference?
Just answer the question
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize