I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
