Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize