Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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