Fucking hipsters really piss me off man. They are just such punk as bitches, all of them. Oh, and fuck Ed Hardy too.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
