Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Randomize
