What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
