I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
