Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize