I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
