I faked an abortion last night.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
as a side note pls kill me
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
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