I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
