my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize