hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
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