Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
