Someone shit on the floor
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
