I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Randomize
