I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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