you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
