so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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