His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
