too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
