Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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