She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
