I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Randomize
