I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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