So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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