i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Blood and glitter go together right?
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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