I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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