you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
