I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
