i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
