i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
