Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
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