there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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