I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
