I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Randomize
