I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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