life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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