I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
Randomize
