When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
