Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
