I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
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