you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
