the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
