I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Randomize
