Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
