i love accidental penises.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Randomize
