Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
