Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Randomize
