An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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