my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
