did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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