There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
