i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
