Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
